The ME. My 100% self…the world inside my head, suddenly out in the open. When I looked at the people in front me, I see all kind of faces —- the shock, the sadness, the disgust, the contempt. That LOOK.
Then I woke up. Phew, with beads of sweat I’m put at ease that it was just a dream. I can’t remember exactly the the whole picture in details but all I remember was everything about me was exposed. My thoughts, my secrets, my past. The naked version of me, in front of millions of people. It’s like I’m being watched.
I’ve been suffering from depression lately and I guess it triggers this kinds of dreams. I was so afraid, I thought I’d lock myself up and be a hikikomori. One of the things that influence my actions has always been acceptance and what would people think of me if do this and that. I always have that need to be respected, appreciated and loved. Who wouldn’t want to? I have been living my life where I’ve always watched my actions and first observe the people around me and then blend in. I am always that kid who only goes for what the majority wants and would pretend to like what the trend dictates. Again, it’s either to blend in or to be a part of the “world” built by status quo and people’s standards of what is normal and accepted.
I’m not trying to be fake or just go with the flow in careless abandon. I still decide who to accept in my world as well. However, I just feel like it would be less drama and Q&A if I would just go with the norm. Things that the mundane brain can comprehend.
I’ve always wanted to do art and music, but here in Asia, most parents want their kids to land a respectable job like being a doctor, a teacher or an engineer. Or just land a decent paying job. I have lived my life with having these set of goals in mind inflicted by the status of poverty and the norms in my society. Practicality is life. But I always have that side of me that yearns for the other side of the world. That world where I am free to create, free to speak up my mind and free to live my dream. In the eyes of the people around me, they thought my dream is to land a good paying job. But honestly, my mind screams to travel the world, create art, discover different walks of life and be able to live these dreams.
But being the eldest daughter with sickly grandparents, a younger sister still going to school that I need to watch over, a mother who went to a different land to escape my abusive father, and having to shoulder all the bills and needs at home, I’m bound by my priorities and don’t know if I’d ever be able to start the life that I wanted. Not that I’m complaining about my life right now, I love my family. It’s just that I also want a LIFE.
But I’m not going to give up. Life does not dictate you to follow a certain timeline and to do certain things in a specific lifetime. There will be a time for me to go out and explore what lies ahead. Right now, I’ll just have to deal with all the challenges life is giving me one by one. Part of life is having to encounter obstacles to strengthen oneself for a more bumpy road ahead.
As long as we are living, there is still a chance. Just Continue with life. Positivity….stay with me!!!
Here are some food for thoughts:
“Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can’t buy more hours. Scientists can’t invent new minutes. And you can’t save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you’ve wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow.”
― Denis Waitley
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay
“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”
― Paulo Coelho
“You can have it all. Just not all at once.”
― Oprah Winfrey
“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ”
― Coco Chanel
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
― Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol
“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.”
― Roy T. Bennett
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.
― Mother Teresa